Will I
by Ashes On The Sand
Summary: Inspired by the song Will I from Rent. Thirteen's diseases progression over time. Camteen could be assumed, but it wasn't my intention.


i Will I loose my dignity? /i

This was it. The beginning of the end. Even though my hand was trembling mercilessly in my jacket pocket, I found it so hard to accept. I'd spent years preparing for this day. Telling myself to live life now before it was too later. That had always been so hard for me because it always felt like the end was already there. Not that I actually was face to face with the disease that would claim my life, I couldn't accept it. I had accepted my own death long ago. What I couldn't accept now was all I'd loose before I died. My dignity, my will to live, my mind, my memories, and everyone I care about. I've spent years pushing people away in case this day came. I got lazy. I let a few slip in. Now it would only hurt myself and them so much more.

i Will someone care?/i

A tap on my shoulder tore me violently from my thoughts. "Dr. Hadley? Are you alright? You've just been staring into space for like ten minutes." It took my eyes a minute to see the world for what it was. I was standing in the hallway leading from the ER to the rest of the hospital. I couldn't imagine how I got there, but there were more important things to worry about. Like the fact that Cameron had clearly realized something was wrong. Now I'd never get rid of her.

"I'm fine. I was just...thinking." I answered as quickly as I could. Glancing down at my pocket, I noticed my hand had finally stopped twitching. Unfortunately her eyes followed too.

"Is something wrong with your hand?" She inquired.

"Dr. Cameron, I told you I'm fine." I said, hoping that would be the end of. This was Cameron after all, so of course it wasn't.

"Dr. Hadley...I was watching you. I saw you look at your hand and your face....I've never seen anyone so terrified. I was going to come over then, but you seemed to calm down, but then you just stood here..." Cameron's eyes became sympathetic. I felt a tingling sensation bubling in my chest and my fingertips. She had no right to be confronting me like this. This was my problem, my life, my disease. Not hers. I wasn't going to be another one of her lost causes. Cameron reached out to put her hand on my shoulder. I jerked away. There was no way I was going to let her steal my dignity. I knew I was going to loose it. But I want to loose it on my own time. I don't want her to take it.

"I told you I'm fine. Now I'm sure you have things to do..." It was a strugle to keep my anger out of my voice. She only made it worse by cutting me off.

"I'm not giving up." Big surprise there. "Let me see your hand." The burning in my chest grew as I realized refusal would only peek her interest more. Reluctantly, I held out my hand to her. I had never really believed in god, but in that moment I repeated a constant prayer that my hand would not move at all without my will.

Cameron took my hand between both of hers. Her hands were so warm compared to mine. I tried to let the warmth relax my hand, hopinh that would prevent any tremors. Instead, her touch just got me more nervous. My hand flew up and back down suddenly into her hand. She gave me a look that told me we both knew exactly what had happened. Instinctively, I pulled my hand back to myself and forced both deep into my pockets.

"How long?" She asked, after a long moment of silence. I let her words hang in the air for a while before answering.

"The first one was before...when you saw me..." Why was I telling her this? She had absolutely no right to know. And now everyone else was going to find out because of her. "Please don't tell anyone." I pleaded. Great, now she had me begging. There was just something about Cameron that made you tell her everything she wanted to hear, even if you were determined not too. For me, my shields were sarcasm and kept me safe. I could never be as emotional as Cameron. Too much risk. Then again, maybe that was her deffence. She did seem to have the ability to get anyone and everyone to open up to her, but who did she open up to? Maybe Chase, but I kind of doubt it. Cameron nodded and I started to walk away.

"Don't leave. We have to talk!" She called as she followed after me. I picked up speed, sprinting as fast as I could to the locker room. A few times I was tempted to look back, but I didn't. That would only slow me down. I really didn't even want to waist time in the locker room, but I needed my bag and keys. While I was fumbling with the lock, Cameron finally caught up.

"Fuck." I grumbled. I didn't care if she heard. "Can you please just leave me to die?" I groaned.

"No. I can't." She answered firmly. I'd never really thought of her as being stubborn before.

"Why?" The tears in my throat were making it harder to talk. I was doing all I could to keep them from reaching my eyes.

"Because....I...I can't sit back and watch while someone dies, alone, and misserable. I know you're going to cut Foreman off now. You'll try to cut everyone off. You'll succeed with most. But not me." She wasn't going to drop this.

"I don't want to be added to your collection of lost causes." My eyes were tearing up now. "I know about your husband, and I've seen you with your patients. You cling to things that are completely hopeless. You thrive in the hospis wing. I don't know why, but you seem to enjoy death." I growled. Cameron would never use me to live out whatever sick fantasies she had.

Cameron seemed truly hurt by my words. I felt bad, but relieved at the same time. "I don't enjoy death...I just... I like to make people feel better. People seem to think that people who are going to die...don't..can't be helped anymore. They need more help then anyone else. Going gracefully into death is...it's difficult. It's hard to see people go into it any other way though. I don't like death. I just like to make it easier for..." I couldn't handle hearing any more and by the tears streaming down her face, I don't think she could take saying anymore.

"No more...Please... I don't need your help. I appreciate the offer." I grabbed my things and started for the door.

"....Dr. Hadley... You may not need my help, but I ineed to help you. /i" Her words stopped me in my tracks. How could someone need to help a dying co worker they barely knew?

"I doubt that." I continued on.

"Please... It doesn't make you weak to accept my help. And if you'd like, no one has to know." I stopped again. She was nearly begging now. If she wasn't lying though, that didn't sound...so bad. Though I hated to admit it, it might be nice to have someone to help. And at least she wouldn't be using me to make herself look better.

"Under one condition." I sighed. "When I tell you that if you get any closer to me it'll hurt you too much, you listen. I hated my mother because of this disease. I'm not going to do to you what she did to me."

"I'm not sure I can agree to that, but if you'll let me help, I'll try." I could tell it really was a compromise for her. I appreciated it though.

i Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare? /i

Three years have passed since I agreed to let Allison help me. We've grown close. That scared me. My reasons for being scared were different now then they were in the past. I used to fear closeness because I was scared I would get hurt. Now I'm just scared I'll hurt her. I'm putting my memories down now, while I still can. I can barely recall anything besides that day. It's only because I replay it so much in my mind that I can even remember that. Every morning when I wake up, two thoughts go through my head. The first is why. Why another day? Why must I suffer and trash, and forget, and deteriorate another day? The second thought that passes through my mind, is how great full I am to have someone to hold me down when my body wont obey, pour water for me when my arms only want to throw it across the room, and refresh my memory when everything goes blank. When my disease first began to claim me, I was planing on ending my life. Now, I'm still waiting for the end. But I'm not going to rush it. I'm going to die gracefully. Just like Allison always wanted.


End file.
